People usually think of me that I overthink. They are right. What is more, I think that I am not only an overthinker, but a ruminant. Ruminants are people who do something than overthinking. They just go round in circles in their own thoughts, exploring any possibility that might explain what they go through in lives. I have not been diagnosed with a Obsessive Compulsive Disorders, but I wouldn’t be surprised I suffer from one.
These past weeks, in one of my overthinking, I have been feeling quite down and low on energy, up to the point in which I no longer had energy to meet people. There might be many million different reasons. I know mine and with that, I have enough.
Today I self-published my third book and I have no feeling of personal achievement. So I know that a part of me is sick and broken. No longer shining despite achieving my personal goals.
However, despite my unbearable sadness, I have realised that I possess an inner strength that pushes me to keep going. When two years ago, I felt unworthy of deserving a life of happiness, today I can tell, that despite I have a long way to go, there is a shining light in me that will save me from depression.
Despite the fact that I am broken, that I feel I deserve no love, life is showing me these days totally the opposite. I am dropping tears every single day of my life, because I let several people all over my life to poison my mind, to let me think that I was a horrible being that should even be erased of existence. I no longer think this way.
Since everything ended, I went on a journey to Poland, Germany, England and very briefly to Sweden to recover the identity I had lost. During two years, I have learned many things about myself: good and bad.
I started this journey with a backpack and on my way to Santiago de Compostela. I knew from the very beginning that that would be just a warm up of all the things that I was going to live. I was not mistaken. Soon I met people who taught me I was a great person and that I did not love myself.
Then, my next chapter continued in Katowice, Poland. It was the first time in my life that I had a job outside Spain. I felt scared. I lacked the skills, but soon I could learn that I was fast enough to adapt to the new situation.
In one brief moment, I traveled from Berlin to Denmark, to take the train to Sweden where I was an exchange student in 2006-07. There I had to reconnect with all my memories when I was studying there, since I went through a critical moment in my life. After walking every corner of Lund, the city where I lived 10 months of my life, I recalled the amazing experiences I had: the new friends I made, the first kiss as a couple of a short love story I had, all the times I screwed up and so on. I remember the end, when of the members of the Lundaekonomerna in Sweden told me they discusses I was maybe one of the most open minded members.
And the screwing part is still vivid in my memory. Because this is a pattern that is repeating today, more than 10 years later in my life. And even if I do not want to admit it, it still exists: I do not love myself and this is why I keep screwing up.
2018-20 was the time where I lived in both Poland and London. I labeled myself in both countries as a person who is antisocial, cruel and a bad person who didn’t deserve to be loved. However, a part of me kept shining and without realising it, I won the hearts of many around me. In Poland I organised language exchanges where people met and couples met, people made new friends while I was watching from my darkness believing I didn’t deserve to be part of that. Then I left to England and people said they would miss me. I didn’t believe any word they said to me.
The same story happened in London, I started to meet people from my own country. During all these months, I kept thinking myself that I was a person that didn’t deserve love. However, I found surprising that people from my own country, were inviting me to parties, contacting me to talk and asking me for advise. Even some admitted to me that despite the fact that they didn’t like me in the beginning, I became one of the persons they liked the most. When I left London, some called to tell me they were missing me.
So what is wrong with me?
During these two years I have realised that the problem I have is me. I became my own enemy by self-sabotaging myself. Wherever I go, my own nature allows me to make new friends. Those who hated me in the beginning, admitted that they liked me afterwards, even that they found in me an inspiration.
Of course not everyone will see it, that some people will dump me as it happened to me many times before. However, I am starting to see that people who are choosing to be my side outnumber by far the number of people who reject me. Even, despite my mistakes because of my lack of self-worth, they choose to forgive me and stand by my side.
Then I realised, that even though I am broken and I feel unworthy, there is a part of my which keeps shining. It’s just a matter of time in which I can understand for myself that I was born for something more. That are people out there who need Jorge to be in shape and that some people are waiting for me to be inspired by my actions.
I have always seen myself as a person who lacked energy, power and determination. But every single day, even in the middle of all the tears I drop, I know that I wasn’t born to make somebody happy. I was born to be the change in the world by being an inspiration. It is just a fact of believing in myself once and for all, to become the person I am meant to be. I realised I can be a difference and I can change people’s live for the better.
This is how I feel today. It’s just a matter of learning how to believe in myself.
Broken, sad, but with hope.